Mmmm, it’s just past midnight and a blank text document lies before me. Time to channel my inner-Carrie Bradshaw.
It’s easy to point out flaws in others. Biting words fall like icicles from a roof. And yet, putting ourselves under the microscope proves much more daunting. Often times the familiar haze of self-regard blinds us to our own faults, and man, it’s awkward once the smoke clears and you see yourself in a new light. There is some reason, inexplicable to me, for my inability to maintain a consistent friendship. Doesn’t matter who, and it doesn’t matter how close I am to them. We’ll always ebb and flow. Some people who don’t know me take this personally. Sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. Someone once told me that the key to friendships was not being with people long enough to get sick of them. Then again, that person lied to me almost every time they opened their mouth. My point is, please don’t be offended by an unanswered text or ‘hello’. People change. They’re always changing, for better or worse. The real challenge to friendship is knowing when to get off the ride and rest awhile.
This wishy-washiness may also explain why I can’t seem to start a relationship. The asshole in me attributes this to getting bored with particular girls over time, but the honest part of me (funny how the two almost never seem to agree) thinks that maybe I’m just too scared. Scared of convincing myself she’s right for me, and then getting bored. I’m not being a martyr by distancing myself from them, but I’m certainly not doing anyone any favors. Do I deep down honestly think I would get bored of them? No, that’s called a defense mechanism. Ask Mr. Darwin. The problem is I like girls too much to not care, and not caring’s what stops me in the end.
I came to an epiphany the other night. Well, not so much an epiphany but a distillation/culmination of the values I believe in. I believe in right and wrong. The gray area exists, but only to make things more dramatic. When faced with a choice, you can do the right thing, or the wrong thing. Now getting into doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, etc. isn’t the crux of the issue. You make a choice. Eventually it will be clear to you—hopefully before the consequences set in, but often we’re not as fortunate—whether that choice was the right one or not. The difference, in my mind, between the hero and the villain in any work is pretty simple. Ask Joseph Campbell. The hero isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes through his own weakness. He grows. When faced with the same choice again, the hero reverses course. Becomes noble. Repents. The villain is the coward who makes the same destructive mistake over and over again because he’s just not strong enough to overcome.